Corruption, Part III - Non-Profit Organizations

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Not too long ago, about a year ago to be exact, CNN and the Times teamed up together to tell us about non-profit organizations, primarily charities, that raise money, often times under names that closely resemble good reliable charities, then either pay for-profit companies to solicit donations for them, or pocket the money for themselves.  Here's the story, you of course are going to absolutely love it:

http://www.cnn.com/2013/06/13/us/worst-charities/

Now, we've covered corruption in business.  Non-profits, I don't care how much you say it, are, regardless, businesses in and of themselves.  I could never really understand how you can call yourself non-profit, when you have to be in it to make some money.  No one starts a non-profit for the purpose of helping others, they do it because they need to be gainfully employed for themselves.  It's not possible to run a non-profit organization for no personal gain, you have to pay bills, pay employees, your own rent and feed your family.  So, therefore, a non-profit organization by its very definition is, no matter how you slice it, for profit...for SOMEONE - whether it be yourself or for the people that work for you.  About the only exception to that rule would probably be the already rich guy who starts a charity, a guy who already has everything he could ever want.  Of course, he'll be a generous soul.  This isn't to say, by the way, that there aren't tons of people out there, that, if they had the money, they'd do exactly what this guy's doing.  The difference, of course, is that they'd do it for the right and selfless reasons.

I just thought that, just for kicks....that maybe I should do this post just a little bit different.  Anyone can rattle the facts off to you.  But, just for fun, I think I'll turn this around a little...be unique.  So here's what we're gonna do kids...let's play role play.

I'll be the big bad non-profit idea, and you can be my partner that I'll sell on the idea.

"Hey, how are ya?  Name's Chris, and you just popped in on a very unique opportunity my friend.  You see, I was just sitting around the house...you know, moping around, bitching about the bills...thinkin' about how I never have enough money, you know?

Then it hit me...oh my God, why didn't I think of it before?  You know how you're always hearing about non-profs drummin' up millions...for cancer, for the eco-system, for AIDS, for trans-sexual rights, whatever, right?  I hear this stuff's EASY to get into my friend...I mean, I hate all that stuff...really sick, the way people treat animals, maybe we should start something that deals with that, I'm thinkin'...and there isn't anybody on earth that would turn us away, would they?  Nothing like a starving horse with his ribs showing or a picture of a dog with a chain mark around his neck and sad eyes to bring that money in...I know I'd give after I see that stuff.  Play 'em on the heartstrings, and the wallet is on auto-open.  I know mine would be, were places reversed.

So, here's the easy way of it...we get a hold of one of those grant writers...you know, the guy who gets the money from the government for these things, and we pay the guy to start writing..we ask for the money to buy a building of course, but if they can't get that, it's no biggie, we'll have him write to get us the lease money instead, and we can use that money to pay our rent and bills instead.  You and me, we can just work the phones ourselves for a while; you know, to save us the money on leasing a building and paying employees.  Then when we pay ourselves; we can collect double, since we're not really leasing that building.  Then we get us an accountant, you know, the kind that wouldn't mind bending the rules a little, maybe for a few extra bucks in his pockets here and there.

But here's the real beauty of it pal, the long and the short.  We find ourselves a name...one that sounds an awful lot like one that's a lot more reputable one...like...The Canine Rescue League...or the Wildlife Conservation Organization...make sure too, that when you're talking to your donors, use the acronym a lot, you know, like you've been in business for years, and it sounds like you've been doing this a while.  Hell, if you say it fast enough it almost sounds like the ARL.  You know, skip past the C as fast as you can.

Anyways, so people give up their money for charity...we start by getting a pretty nice salary anyway.  We're already gonna get double what we would normal, thanks to saving on the leasing of a building.  Hell, we might as well just pay ourselves an employee salary to boot, since we'll be doing most the work ourselves.

So anyway, we keep this on the up and up.  We find good places to send at least half our money donated to a few reputable places that deal with animals.  We pick some big names too, some that would give us some GOLDEN references.  Yeah, so we keep this up on the right for about a year...file taxes, make nice.  Then next year, we hire us oh, sayyy...20 or so people.  Have them man the phones.  Train 'em real well like we've learned to be.  We get them raising us a couple million this year.  We pay our employees well, we'll be able to keep 'em on board...by year two?  We should be able to find all kinds of places to hide the extra money.  Oh, sure, we'll keep sending the same amounts of money to the same places we have been, but since we only brought in $39,000 last year, and filed that, should be pretty easy to convince them we only brought about 20 or 25 thousand the next.  The folks we got last year, we're sure to be calling them again, since they've already heard our name.  We pay our accountant well to make sure he stays all loyal and stuff.  Round the end of the year?  We make sure and give our employees a  nice severance, then tell 'em we had to close this branch to help out the headquarters...you know the expenses a non-profit incurs, we're very sorry..oh, and whats that, relocation?  I'm really sorry, but the next nearest CRL is in St. Louis...you're more than welcome to apply on the website though...", then we close up shop, pat the girlies on the rump as they walk out that door with a nice severance and a small token thank you $20 bill.  We net a cool mil or two, then we move on to, say, Minneapolis and do the same thing, maybe a different charity type, different name...you feel where I'm going pal?  I don't really see how we can lose...long as we don't stay anywhere too long, and don't get greedy."

Not too hard a sell is it?  Oh sure, there are states and cities that have sufficient scrutiny in place to see this coming.  But there still way too many scammy charities out there who pay little...or nothing of what they bring in to the very thing they're raising that money for.  Worse yet, local and federal government does little to nothing to stop them.  Some have been warned to cease ops over and over and over again, and are still running...if not under that name, under a new one in a better and safer locations.

And you know, it's really pretty funny, I think about how much more paranoid you get about things like this as you get older; but you know, you can't really even trust websites anymore either.  Worse, you may be reading something that rates the top charities and the worst...and, after you've given up your money, you read another articles that rates the same charities in the opposite order, and, upon further investigation, you find out that the top ten rated charities are all owned by the same people.  And they're all rotten to the core, and you just donated to them getting that Maserati they've had their eye on for some time, that's for sure!

My suggestion to you, America?  Never take phone calls for charity.  And for God's sake, don't donate online all crazy either!  Don't take anybody's word for it, check things out for yourself.  Stick with names you know already (by heart), and check into anybody who comes close to a name, but it doesn't sound QUITE RIGHT.  Make sure and write up the ones that sound scammy, and report them immediately to your local Attorney General's office.    :D